if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
