Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in itâ€
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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