last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I can't turn off my feet"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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