Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
