my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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