The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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