i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
