He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
