I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
