I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
