Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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