Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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