i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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