i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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