Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
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