The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
