I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
a search helicopter?!
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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