we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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