i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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