Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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