I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
