What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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