Girls should come with a carfax report
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
