You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
