nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
