Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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