do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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