just come out here and I will go home with you...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
