dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
