btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
