I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Randomize
