Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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