I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
