it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
