He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
