Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
