I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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