There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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