I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
