i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
