i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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