how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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