I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
