Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
