we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
