So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
