I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
