u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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