just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
