sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
