So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
