Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
