You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
