Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
